Commentary: Writing the last chapter — Do you have the will to leave a legacy and not a mess?

MY MOTHER’S THIRD husband died without a will. He had done nothing to prepare for his own demise at the youthful age of 49 except to hasten it by foregoing real meals in favor of more olives in his martinis. He had also run through most of his assets but somehow died without cashing a check for $20,000.

Which is how I found myself in probate court on a baking hot day in Indio, a desert town in Southern California, asking the judge to allow my mother to cash the check.

While I am a lawyer, I am not and have never been a trust and estates lawyer. Aside from a single class in law school, I didn’t know the first thing about probate court, and I’ve mercifully forgotten almost everything I learned from that experience 15 years ago. The one thing I haven’t forgotten is how important it is to plan ahead so your family members don’t have to go to places like Indio after you die.

Or, as Cynthia Wall, President of the Friends of Health on the Northern Mendocino Coast (FOH), puts it: “Let’s leave a legacy, not a mess.”

Wall was the architect of a recent workshop in Caspar entitled “Getting the Last Chapter Right.” It was a soup-to-nuts program, with a panel of 10 experts sitting left to right in the order in which their services might be needed — preparing a will and other documents, advocacy for aging in place and staying connected, resources for cancer and end-of-life care, help in arranging funeral services, and, as I wrote about two weeks ago, supporting those who are left behind.

Heavy stuff, for sure, but the mood was light and the tone was informational. Maggie Watson, a licensed professional fiduciary, led off by telling the audience what a fiduciary does: guide people through the thicket of preparations that can make even the most responsible person want to lie down on the couch. A fiduciary can serve as an executor of a will, the trustee of an estate, and a trusted counselor to help manage affairs as people get older, especially those who don’t want their families to do it or don’t have families at all.

Mortality guidance counseling

In Mendocino County, where a large number of older adults live alone, employing someone to help with dying may be a lifesaver.

Watson also recommended that people think practically about how someone else — family member, friend or fiduciary — “can step into your life” if necessary, from paying bills to caring for pets to managing your home. And, she says, “give stuff away now.”

Debra DeCarli, an estate planning lawyer with offices in Mendocino and Pleasanton, emphasized the need to have a plan, not just for the final stages but for the changes, such as a spouse dying, that may come with getting older. “Have the conversation,” she says, about difficult topics and write down what you want in a formal, legal way. “Your legal documents are not just documents. These are your wishes, your legacy, and the way to get those wishes carried out.”

And store your passwords somewhere they can be found.

Teresa Baumeister, a social worker with Mendocino County Adult Protective Services (APS) shifted the conversation to older people who may be abused or neglected or who have aged in place in a rural home and become isolated in the process. APS offers people help — which they are free to decline — to connect with social services and the community. Baumeister also provided a reality check for people whose plan is to just move into senior housing and hope to find help there, pointing out that there is an eight-year waiting list for such housing in Mendocino County.

Another social worker from Gualala, Susan Quinn, described herself as a “fierce and radical” independent advocate who can help people implement decisions such as aging in place or opting for death with dignity.

Although the topics were serious, the main theme that emerged was one of community. Helen Jacobs, who runs the Senior Peer Counseling program at the Redwood Coast Senior Center, invited people to just come over for lunch — 55,000 of which were served at the Senior Center last year for a voluntary donation of $5. The Senior Center “tries to act as an antidote” to the “loneliness and isolation” that some experience as they age. Along with lunch, there are opportunities for bridge games, knitting, ukulele and ping pong, to name a few. The Senior Center, she said, is “a great place to be.”

A healthy dose of health topics

Health issues were very much on the table but in the same tone of providing information rather than recounting stories of doom and gloom. Anya Jindrich, executive director of the Cancer Resource Centers of Mendocino County, provided a laundry list of free services for those who are facing cancer, one of the most important being help with transportation for treatment. “Our vision is that no one will face cancer alone,” Jindrich said.

Robin Serrahn, a hospice doctor affiliated with Adventist Health, works with a nurse, a social worker and a chaplain “to provide comfort, not to prolong life” for those who have opted to go into hospice. He and Mark Apfel, another MD on the panel who specializes in palliative care, urged people to fill out a POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) form that reflects their wishes on the type and extent of medical interventions to be done if they become incapacitated.

Seth Ferguson, the funeral director for the Chapel by the Sea in Fort Bragg, went out of his way to demystify what happens when someone passes; funeral homes can provide a one-stop-shop when the inevitable comes. For anyone who has dealt with the first days after someone dies, knowing who to call for these services can be a huge help.

The final panelist, Kathryn Allegre, offered an open invitation to anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one to attend the FOH weekly Grief Recovery Support Group.

Wall wrapped up the morning by pointing out that there could have been more panelists — on financial planning, real estate and housing issues, diseases that affect the elderly, the recent cuts to disability services and food banks, the list goes on. Her mission is to get the community involved in helping each other as they age, especially as critical services are cut.

“If you want to have the end of your life go the way you want it, you need to plan now. Don’t hesitate, don’t wait, do it now.”

Maggie Watson, licensed professional fiduciary

“We need activism at a local level” to “bridge the gaps and fill the cracks,” Wall said.

Wall recognizes that this is “scary stuff.” And it’s about much more than making a will. Some of us have become the repository of the stuff of family members who have gone before: my mother’s high school yearbooks and my father’s grade school report cards have somehow ended up in my garage. I could see a panel on “Swedish death cleaning” — a form of radical decluttering that many swear by as a path to a simpler life.

And my friend Frish Brandt helps people writing “Lasting Letters” to their loved ones, “a note written now for later, carrying your voice forward in time and space.”

Getting old, as they say, is not for the faint of heart. But as Watson put it, “If you want to have the end of your life go the way you want it, you need to plan now. Don’t hesitate, don’t wait, do it now.”

You’ll have some peace of mind and maybe a clean garage. And your family will thank you.

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What does a longer lifespan mean to you? Two talented columnists tag-team every Friday to tackle the challenges that inform your choices — whether you’re pushing 17 or 70. Recent Stanford Center on Longevity Visiting Scholar Susan Nash looks at life experiences through an acerbic personal lens, while longtime writer and health reporter Tony Hicks takes the macro view to examine how society will change as the aging population grows ever larger. Check in every Friday to expand your vision of living the long game and send us your feedback, column suggestions and ideas for future coverage to newsroom@baycitynews.com.

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