Spring is in the air! This week Modern Ed answers readers’ questions about wedding invitations.
Dear Modern Ed:
My fiancé and I are mid-career professionals who are willing and able to pay for our wedding. Nevertheless, my bride-to-be wants to word the invitation in the traditional form; that is, that her parents are inviting guests to the wedding. Is that correct? Or should we be inviting guests to our wedding?
Whose Invite is This?
Dear WIT:
The point of an invitation is to convey who is getting married, where, and when. If you have those three covered, you are in good shape. The request for the guest to attend traditionally came from the parents of the bride and that custom has endured even when it doesn’t make sense. Many couples in your situation address their wedding invitation from themselves rather than the brides’ parents and that is completely acceptable.
That being said, you should listen to your fiancé’s request and try to understand why she made it. What does that traditional invitation wording mean to her and why is it important? Understanding the underlying reasons may bring you around to supporting her request.
You may consider the wedding and the reception as separate events, the wedding invitation coming from her parents and the reception coming from you and your fiancé. In that case, the invitation can follow the traditional form “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter….” and a separate card in the envelope would include an invitation from you and your fiancé to the reception. Wording for this could vary depending on how formal or casual you choose the reception to be.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My parents divorced when I was young and I was raised for a while by my mom. My mom then remarried a wonderful man who was a loving stepfather to me. Sadly, he died while I was in college. I am preparing to send out wedding invitations and I want to honor my dad, who is now remarried, and my late stepfather. Can you advise me on how to word the invitation?
Love My Mom and Both My Dads
Dear IMDB:
First of all, share with your mom how much you appreciate her and run any proposed wording by her. She will be sure to have feelings about how you are listing them.
Wedding invitations are typically issued in the name of the living parent. But brides may choose to include the name of a deceased parent as a tribute to their love. The wording in your case could take a few different forms such as:
“Ms. Lisa Secord and the late David Secord along with Mr. Jonathan Smith and Diane Wilson request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Abigail Louise Smith to …”
Alternatively, you could write:
Abigail Louise Smith, the daughter of Ms. Lisa Secord and the late David Secord and Mr. Jonathan Smith and Diane Wilson, requests the honor of your presence at her wedding to …”
The choice of including your stepmother is up to you but Modern Ed suggests including her unless that presents some other challenge. The thing to remember is that this wording is tricky but not rigid. The wonderful thing is you rightly want to honor your family on your special day.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My fiancee and I have decided we’d rather not have kids at our wedding reception. We adore kids but many of our friends have small children and they would be distracted at the reception and most likely leave early which would make it not as fun. What is a sensitive way to say this on our wedding invitation?
We Love Kids, But…
Dear WLKB:
Modern Ed has a large folder with the title, “We love kids, but….” Fortunately, in your case, the solution is simple: don’t invite the kids.
The envelope of your wedding invitation addresses who is invited and you should name the parents individually but not list their children. This will lead to some hurt feeling and most likely some questions for clarification. It may also result in one or two requests for exception which you can address verbally.
Modern Ed cautions against printing “No children, please” on invitations or reception cards. Although frank and effective, it tends to make you look mean precisely the moment you want to be celebrated. And, as the years go by and you have a framed wedding invitation on your side table, you will wince every time you see it, especially if you decide to have children. Better to address the invitation to the invited guests only and verbally address any consequences.
Thank you for writing,
Moden Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I am planning an outdoor wedding this summer at a friend’s family ranch in Napa. Although it will be outdoors I still want it to be elegant. How do I convey this on the invitation?
Wine Country Wedding
Dear WCW:
Wedding invitations should not include a dress code. This information belongs with the details about the reception, hopefully on a separate card or page if an electronic invitation.
Modern Ed has observed wedding guest attire from the Greatest Generation, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Millennials, and Generation Z. Dress codes and simple words like formal, semi-formal, and cocktail attire can be interpreted differently by different generations. Keeping that in mind, describing your vision for the reception and for what guests can expect will be most helpful. Something along the lines of, “We look forward to an elegant reception under the stars at the Baker Ranch. The weather will be warm during the ceremony but will cool off when the sun goes down. Men will be comfortable in suits or jackets while ladies may appreciate bringing a shawl, sweater, or coat for when the sun goes down. An attendant will hold your wraps for you. Please note that the ground will be unpaved and uneven so you will appreciate sensible shoes.”
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My daughter and her fiancé don’t see the need to send a printed invitation to their wedding this summer and think an electronic invitation will suffice. Her father and I are paying for the wedding and this approach would save money, but it seems not special enough for a wedding invitation. Is this what couples are doing these days?
Paper or Digital?
Dear P or D:
There are many advantages to digital invitations. They offer unlimited design possibilities and colors as well as the ability to upload photographs, music, and video. They can be less expensive than printing traditional invitations. And, they can be easily corrected if a mistake or typo has been made.
Still, something is lost when you completely forgo a printed invitation. Receiving a printed invitation in the mail is like receiving a gift. It brings a special feeling to the recipient. And who wouldn’t want to kick off their wedding season by making their guests feel special?
An additional advantage of paper invitations is the double envelope. The outer envelope is addressed to the main invitee for the purpose of delivery, while the inner unsealed envelope is addressed to everyone you want invited to your wedding. That gives you the discretion to invite some members or a household and not others, or make sure guests know they can bring their family or a guest. Another benefit of paper invitations is that they cannot be forwarded.
There is no reason why you can’t do both a printed and digital invitation as long as the response request does not get confusing.
Finally, Modern Ed will point out that printed invitations and postage can be expensive but they don’t have to be. You can find affordable options that will be treasured for years.
Thank you for writing and best wishes,
Modern Ed