Modern Ed, our new occasional columnist offering timeless etiquette for our changing world, welcomes your questions: news@piedmontexedra.com
Dear Modern Ed:
Our son came home from his first semester in college with some peculiar dining habits. For instance, rather than pouring and refilling a single glass of milk, he will pour three glasses of milk for himself at the start of a meal and carry them all to the table. Or clearing his dishes into a pile in the sink as if it is a dish tub and then walking away. I didn’t say anything at the time but should I if he is still doing this during spring break?
Persnickety Mom
Dear Mom:
You are not persnickety. If you were, you wouldn’t be taking time to write to Modern Ed but would be badgering your son to hurry up and grow up. And he will, with or without your guidance on this particular issue.
The fact that your son got into a college and made it through his first semester is a tribute to your parenting. Kids coming home from college their first year tend to regress not only to their high school selves but occasionally to the toddler version of themselves as they are suddenly incapable of doing anything. The fact that your son is helping to serve and clean-up dinner, albeit in unusual ways, is positive. As winter break was of short duration and you didn’t want his memory of it to be you acting, well, persnickety, you rightly chose to bite your tongue and see if the behavior was a phase. If it persists, you can gently inform him that his habits may work in the dining commons while conveying your expectations about what works in your home. If that approach doesn’t work, buy him a plastic tray to eat his meals cafeteria style.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My first two years of college, I lived in the dorms. This year I was super excited to rent a house off campus with three of my girlfriends. We all get along great but they are, well, slobs. I’m not super neat myself but I feel like I am unable to enjoy our house because of their messes. What can I say or do to get them to step up? Or should I just roll with it?
Odd Girl Out
Dear OGO:
College is such a wonderful time for figuring out who you are and what is important to you. And, for being shocked by some of the things your new friends say and do. Living with others can drive people crazy but living through good and bad times together tends to make the bonds of friendship so strong they can last a lifetime. While you should have a conversation to express your feelings, do so without judgement as your friends may have been raised with different expectations around house cleaning.
Cleanliness is a sensitive topic to discuss. People can be easily offended when a friend judges their hygiene as lacking. Also, many college aged people have never helped clean anything and wouldn’t know which end of a broom to hold if asked. While it is not your job to teach others how to clean, it should also not be your burden to have to live in a home that makes you uncomfortable.
Before the new semester begins, ask your roommates to meet to discuss expectations. This could include finances, quiet hours, shopping, house parties, and cleanliness. You can start by saying how much you are enjoying living together, and asking them what is working and if there is anything they would like to change. When it is your turn, you can explain your feelings and ask everyone to minimize their footprints in common areas of the house when they are done using them so all can enjoy them.
The conversation will be awkward but things will improve. If they don’t, start drawing up lists of who you want to live with next fall.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I am in my sophomore year at college and live in a dorm. My roommate’s girlfriend is always over. When I am in our room she is there. When I want to go to sleep, she is there. Sometimes when I come home from class, the door is closed with a do not disturb sign and I can’t even go into my own room. I want to say something but I’m not sure if I should talk to my roommate or his girlfriend. And advice?
How can I miss you when you never leave?
Dear miss you:
Sharing an 80 square foot dorm room with a roommate is a challenge in the best of circumstances. Adding an unofficial third roommate complicates things further and also deprives you of building a relationship with your roommate. While it is tempting to say something to your roommates’ girlfriend, she has been invited by your roommate and is not at fault. Speaking to her will most likely offend her and possibly anger your roommate.
Your best bet is to let your roommate know how her presence is impacting you (he may be unaware) and compromising your ability to study, or sleep, or relax without her constant presence. Your roommate will most likely ask what his options are so you should be prepared ahead of time to offer suggestions that work for all three of you. Good luck.
Thank you for writing,
Moden Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My husband and I have three sons. I’m trying to teach them to not leave the toilet seat up and my husband thinks I’m being overfastidious. Who’s right?
Don’t wanna see that
Dear DWST:
You are. After using the facilities, one should lower not only the seat but also the lid. Many men who were raised unaware that leaving the seat up is unsightly, so explaining that lowering the seat “is appreciated by others” may prove more effective than saying, “that’s gross.” While it may be too late for your husband, you can impress on your sons that simple gestures like these will be noticed and appreciated when they want to start dating. This will get their attention.
Thank you for writing and good luck,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My wife likes to clean up after each meal. When I clean the kitchen, I wash the dishes but like to soak dirty pots and pans overnight to make it easier to clean them the next morning. She thinks I am going to bed with a dirty kitchen. I think I am being more time-efficient. What does Modern Ed think?
Soak it to me
Dear Soak It:
Modern Ed is wary of venturing into the norms of your marriage, Modern Ed’s mother would say, “whoever is willing to clean the kitchen can do it the way they see fit.” The beauty of living alone is you can stack dirty pots and pans to the ceiling before you clean them and not bother anyone. Living with someone means making small compromises that may seem illogical to you but important to your roommate. It sounds like you are going 90% of the way in cleaning the kitchen before bedtime; a little elbow grease will overcome the most stubborn pots and pans allowing your wife to sleep more soundly. If you decide to make fondue, you can announce that you are making an exception and fall back on your overnight soaking solution.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I live with three roommates and I manage the finances to pay the landlord, utilities, etc. Two roommates are great, the other one I have to bug every month to pay me so I can pay our rent on time. I don’t feel like it is my job to bug my roommate but I also don’t want to get penalized for late rent. What can I say?
Not My Job
Dear NMJ:
Been there, done that. When it comes to roommates, there is one that typically depends on the responsible nature of the others. And oftentimes “depends on” can morph into “takes advantage of.”
The best adage of being a good roommate is, “don’t make your problem someone else’s problem.” In this case, either your roommate’s financial situation or their lack of organization is causing you stress every month. And that is not fair to you.
From Modern Ed’s experience, speaking with your roommate will not improve behavior for long.They may get you their check on time for a month or two before they resume their old ways.
Explain to them that their lack of urgency around their commitment should not cause a panic for you every month and that they would be on the hook for any late charges. If they are good for the rent each month but need your reminder, suggest that they set up an automatic transfer from their bank account to you on payday so you can all rest easier. If the situation is truly financial and every month is a scramble for them, consider new roommates or living arrangements.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed