This week Modern Ed responds to readers’ questions about getting along with the neighbors.
Dear Modern Ed:
Our neighbors’ dog barks all day when they are at work. They deny this whenever I have mentioned it. What should I say or do? I’m loath to call the police as I want to have good neighbor relations.
Can’t Take the Barking
Dear Barking:
Trying to talk to people about their pets is more difficult than discussing their children. Pointing out ill-behavior in someone’s dog leads to disbelief and protest. Words must be chosen carefully. Putting yourself in the position of your neighbor, they are most likely frustrated that they have to leave their dog alone all day long, and concerned for their dog’s well-being.
After sharing your concern that Fluffy seems stressed, you could offer to record it so they can hear him bark, or offer to suggest some names of a dog walker who could check-in on Fluffy while they are at work. Having reassured them you are on Team Fluffy, you can then go to the police department and register an anonymous noise complaint assured they will assume came from some other nosy neighbor.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
New neighbors just moved into a house on our block and I’d like to get them a house warming gift and introduce ourselves. What is an appropriate gift?
Welcome Matt
Dear Matt:
What a lovely thought. Modern Ed bets you are a great neighbor. While it is easy to grab a bottle of wine and walk it over, alcohol is not an appropriate gift for strangers as you may not know their relationship with it. If they just moved in and have not yet set up their kitchen, anything edible, especially something you made, would be appropriate and welcomed. As you won’t know their dietary restrictions, any food item will fall into the “thought that counts” category. Flowers or a plant to brighten up their home full of moving boxes is a nice idea. Offering them to use your unused capacity in your trash or recycling bins while they are unpacking is practical. But, mostly, a nice note welcoming them to the neighborhood and expressing a desire to have them over once they have settled in is the nicest gift you can offer.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
We have a neighbor up the street who is always asking for money for different causes. Although I share many of her views, I resent the personal pressure that goes along with these asks. How can I respond that I am not interested in these appeals without jeopardizing our relationship?
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Dear Don’t:
There is something unsaid in your letter. Namely, how close are you to this neighbor? Do you socialize with them or just wave to each other in the street? Do your kids play together? Are you concerned about running into them after having an awkward conversation or not really?
When asked for your support, you can offer a compliment with your non-response, such as, “I always admire your passion for these causes and your timing is great because my husband and I are sitting down soon to discuss where to direct our philanthropic support. I will definitely bring this information to the discussion.”
However, the above response might be too encouraging and not dissuade further asks, which is the whole point of your question. In that event, I recommend saying, “Thank you for bringing this cause to our attention. My husband and I have already committed our philanthropic support for the year.” After two such denials, your neighbor will catch on and stop the appeals.
Thank you for writing,
Moden Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
Our neighbor’s gardener uses a gas leaf-blower. I don’t want to be “that” neighbor that calls the police over such a trivial manner, but it is really loud and I work at home. Do I talk to the neighbor? To the gardener? Or just call the police?
Blown Away
Dear Blown:
The reason there is a local ordinance against gas leaf blowers is precisely because they are loud and disruptive. You shouldn’t feel badly about that. If you choose to speak with your neighbor, I would remind them in a cheerful tone that there is a local ordinance against gas-powered blowers that their gardener seems to be unaware of. Your neighbor may be at work and unaware that this is happening so I would not assume they are willfully breaking the law but simply unaware. Similarly, you could speak directly to the gardener who is most likely also unaware of the local ordinance. Be sure to mention that electric blowers are allowed. If neither of these two are effective, the police will be happy to advise the gardener and not mention your name.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I think a neighbor of ours may not be well. He seems to be dealing with some health issue but has not said anything. I want to offer to be of help in any way I can but want to respect his privacy. Should I say something or leave it up to him?
Concerned, Not Nosy
Dear Not Nosy:
You are right to respect his privacy and to leave your curiosity unsatiated. But, just as he has chosen not to explain his condition, you can offer acts of help without explanation. “I’m running down to the grocery store, can I get you anything?” or “If you ever need a ride to an appointment, let me know.” In this way you will silently communicate that you have observed something without inquiring. If he looks puzzled and asks why you are offering, you can reveal your curiosity, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been different lately and thought maybe you could use a hand. If it is nothing, please accept my apology. If you ever do need a hand, please know you can always call me.” And let it go at that without asking for any specifics or explanation.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed