BUFFETED BY DYNAMIC social and technological changes, a growing number of adult children are choosing estrangement from their parents, grandparents or siblings.
Typically initiated by one person, estrangement involves the decision to go “no-contact” or to severely limit interactions, perhaps to as little as once a year, with a family member or members. Although there is currently no national database tracking such family rupture, social scientists and psychologists say the problem’s spread is ripe for discovery.
The phenomenon is escalating “while hiding in plain sight,” says Cornell University professor and family sociologist Karl Pillemer.
Intrigued by a lack of literature on the topic, Pillemer undertook a study that over a recent five-year period combined data and case histories from 1,340 participants. The study, known as the Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project, found that 27 percent of Americans were estranged from one or more family members.
“There’s just something about estrangement in the news every single day,” says Joshua Coleman, a Bay Area-based clinical psychologist and fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families.
Traditional news media, social media and mobile communications are clearly all helping to fuel this trend. Technology can invite over-zealous hothouse parenting, as devoted caregivers turn into micromanaging supervisors who hover over their child’s every move and decision. And podcasts, platforms like TikTok and even television talk shows can all amplify stresses on parents and children, in part by encouraging the cavalier use of psychological diagnostic terms such as “toxic,” “narcissistic” and “borderline ____” (fill in the diagnostic term of choice).
But Coleman, an acknowledged authority who has published extensively on the topic, said the growing prevalence of estrangement runs deeper than mere media — reflecting changing views of the family as a fundamental institution in society.
“In modernity,” he said, “humans became dis-embedded from the institutions that governed family life for millennia. We have evolved to the idea that identity is purely constituted on the basis of what’s in line with personal ideas, happiness, self-growth and mental health.”
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There is, to be sure, much that is positive about this change. One example of this is how advice for married women has gone from a focus on how to be a “good wife” to how to be happy and express oneself. Similarly, a parenting focus on having children respect their parents now emphasizes the fragility and vulnerability of children, with an emphasis in many cases on therapy.
But by encouraging children to view their parents through a therapeutic lens, this shift can also lead to estrangement. And that’s especially the case with the growing incidence of mental illness, addiction and divorce, which can make conflicts within families appear overwhelming and unsolvable.
Coleman said he encounters this in his practice and at public speaking events.
“Earlier generations were not as keen to diagnose their parents — they didn’t have the same psychiatric-informed vocabulary they do now,” he says. “Younger generations (being) involved in therapy fuels their diagnoses of parents. By pathologizing the parent, adult children gain freedom from guilt, therapists become detachment brokers, and more estrangement happens.”
For Coleman, the study of estrangement comes with a deeply personal dimension, which he discloses in the introduction to his book, “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How To Heal the Conflict.” There he tells of a years-long estrangement from his daughter. He can only describe “the talk” she gave him without specific words, as they are “too excruciating to recall.”
“A problem is that most of the media is about justifying (estrangement). Most of it’s written from the adult children’s perspective: Why I had to cut off my parents. Why it’s better for my mental health. There’s little written about the tragedy of it for a parent.”
Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of “Rules of Estrangement”
He remembers more clearly his reaction to her pain: “I defended myself, I explained, I rationalized, and I blamed others. None of this worked, of course — she withdrew even further.”
Although they have since reconciled, Coleman has not forgotten feeling wounded, working hard to re-examine his own responsibilities and receive his daughter’s different version of the past and, as do many of his clients who are parents, working to resist social stigma that casts blame and shame on parents.
“A problem is that most of the media is about justifying (estrangement),” he says. “Most of it’s written from the adult children’s perspective: Why I had to cut off my parents. Why it’s better for my mental health. There’s little written about the tragedy of it for a parent.
“There are certainly parents,” Coleman continues, “who become estranged because of extreme abuse. But … a good parent can become estranged because a child might have mental health illness, a trauma unrelated to parents, attachment disorders and others. The dominant narrative is still that it’s primarily parents who were neglectful or abusive.”
Showing ‘empathy, curiosity and commitment’
All of which might cause someone to believe Coleman “sides” with parents when it comes to estrangement and efforts to reconcile or accept the situation. Instead, his practice and “rules of” book emphasize parents avoiding focus on “what really happened.”
Those conversations are subjective and fraught with the complexity of what he calls “concept creep.” Normal behaviors in one generation are viewed differently by younger generations. “I tell parents, don’t even go there. Trying to prove to a child you were a better parent than they’re saying is not going to get you anywhere. You have to show empathy, curiosity and commitment.”
Joshua Coleman’s book “Rules of Estrangement.” (Penguin Random House)
“Rules of Estrangement” offers composite case histories, data and research, and chapters dealing with specific situations such as divorce, mental illness, in-laws, sibling and grandparent estrangement, money matters like wills and estates, and strategies for coping, interventions, healing, and reconciliation.
Investigation of the rifts includes delving into solutions involving reconciliation, making amends, and oftentimes, acceptance of differing versions of history and taking responsibility in efforts to achieve solutions.
Parents who come to Coleman for help are encouraged to begin by writing letters of amends. Such an undertaking shows an estranged adult child the parent cares. It requires courage, but helps clarify who is responsible for what, separates parents’ reality from their child’s scenario, and aids them in finding self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.
“It can be therapeutic but can also be painful. It moves them toward radical acceptance of ‘Yeah, these are the ways I failed you or hurt you and I’m really sorry.’ Ironically, it can make children feel more listened to. Out of 10 things you can do to heal this, I say there are two or three that will help parents become less preoccupied, less limited and shamed by estrangement.”
READ MORE
Rutgers University Associate Professor of Communication Kristina Scharp frequently focuses on gender identity, marginalization and relational and family distancing. For people wanting to learn more, Joshua Coleman recommends and offers links to her articles.
• “The Complicated Experience of Parent-Child Estrangement During the Pandemic,” Psychology Today
• “What is family estrangement? A relationship expert describes the problem and research agenda,” The Conversation
To help families who might not be able to afford private therapy, Coleman offers free Q&As every other Monday and prices his webinars and online training for therapists inexpensively. Beyond his capacity for handling the recent surge in people looking for support, he suggests people seek out his and other Facebook groups. Longterm, though, he is concerned the problem is still receiving inadequate attention.
“I don’t see undergraduate or graduate programs for future psychologists and therapists really grappling with the enormity of this problem,” he says. “It’s a problem that’s not going away.”
Research, according to Coleman, is also lacking in estrangement related to adoption, the LGBTQ+ and trans community, and long-term studies that track what happens to adult children who choose estrangement when they become parents.
In addition to his own writings, Coleman suggests checking out Pillemer’s research at Cornell.
Pillemer and Coleman were similarly puzzled that with hundreds of thousands of websites and news reports on estrangement and millions of people experiencing distress, no reliable professional guidance existed. Families were left to find their own solutions. Pillemer writes, “In what world does this make sense?”
The post Familiar strangers: What’s behind the trend of family members severing relationships? appeared first on Local News Matters.
I’ve been that parent. I’ve done the therapy, accepted, took responsibility and tried relentlessly to make amends for shortcomings as a parent.
My middle daughter still told me no more than three times in a drunken text rage she wished I would just die.
When did we, as parents, stop being human and were expected to be human? I was not abusive. I may have not been as attentive at times as I should have been. In light of that, I was a single working mom.
My daughter didn’t block me, this time. I had to block her.
And I am still in therapy. I sure didn’t deserve that.
This was very helpful & interesting. I have been estranged from my middle son since he graduated from college, and somewhat before. He has two sons by his first marriage that I do not know. He has been in his second marriage for years & I have not met his wife (no children with her,she has a son by her first marriage). Both of them are financially successful. I will be 82 this yr, and would like to reconcile before I die. I pray that God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit will guide me in something I can write to my son. Forgiveness is the key to
most of our problems/issues in life. (No drug or addiction problems were in the home during his growing up.)
I am 70 years old my youngest daughter recently has pretty much stop speaking I moved to another state and it seems my daughter is angry with me because I moved it hurts she doesn’t call but what hurts the most she has also stopped by grandsons from speaking to me too
Abuse is unacceptable and when the other person is unable to change no matter how badly you want things to be different, sometimes it is out of your hands and you learn to let go and live your happiest life…without them. The abuse suffered by the hands of my supposed family members was unbearable to the point of estrangement. When we can learn from our mistakes and they cannot, then we learn that no matter what, things will not change, things will only get worse not better, we aren’t enough, and that we must protect ourselves. Four years going on five, I only ask myself why didn’t I go no contact sooner. I am living my happiest life since I let go and moved forward because I am not subject to the abuse any longer nor am I waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly living in fear of my loved one. Emotional abuse leaves more damage than physical in many ways. Just because it remains unseen doesn’t mean what they did didn’t hurt beyond imagination. I spent all I had supporting, enabling, and trying to make things work all the while suffering so much pain and wearing a mask to cover the ugly scares beneath. Don’t people who write these articles realize that the estrangement is justified and necessary in breaking the patterns of abuse for many of us? We didn’t leave you to hurt us. We left you to protect ourselves. We deserved better and now we are better without you.
Our youngest daughter decided to end contact with my husband and me 1 year ago. During this year, we have been prevented from seeing our oldest grandson and the new baby she had last October. The pain of this estrangement is excruciating. We are at a loss as to how we can “fix” things. I just turned 70 and my husband is 77. Time is marching on, and the possibility that this could continue forever is heartbreaking.
Thank you. I’ve struggled, read, prayed, begged forgiveness, tried to apologize, and still live with a broken heart and missing my grandkids. Do more research, write more books.
I have been estranged from my immediate family for 30 years. When my father died, I suggested (and paid for) over a year of therapy with my mother who continued to defend my father’s alcoholism and abuse in our younger years. Finally the therapist told us to ‘agree to disagree’ and made us both pledge to let it go and build a new relationship.
I honored my pledge but she refused with constant passive aggressive comments and barbs at my being ‘ungrateful and selfish.’ It finally reached a climax when she demanded all the gifts back that I had received from them starting back when I was a baby. I sent them to her and we’ve never spoken since 2010. I hear through the grapevine that she continues to cast me and my spouse as the villains in this scenario—because we were ‘unwilling to forgive and forget.’ Projection much, Mom…?
Liberating myself from that cesspool was the best choice I’ve ever made.
Am I the only one who thinks ultimately when they become this way you should just let them go? The trust is gone and I value myself and my remaining family members too much to let this steal our joy. What other people do is always about them it’s not about us. It’s not my journey. They’re grown fully capable functioning adults. I did my job. So now Im choosing joy and until they can too they’ll be estranged by their own choice.
I have a SIL who has a whole host of relatives she’s ousted. Her mother has never seen my SILs sons, the oldest is now 11. She got mad at her brother and family so now they’re “toast.” I was sympathetic when she’d tell me why. But “lo and behold” my husband and I are on her “shit list.” Oddly, she’s very close with her “gal pals” at work. She hangs out with them at work and afterward. I guess they meet her high standard of acceptance. I wonder what my SILs behavior is teaching her children. Seems like people are simply thrown away if they don’t tow the line perfectly. In our throw away society is it now acceptable to throw away our family, like yesterday’s trash?
My older son who is schizophrenic, drug addicted and usually homeless only contacts me when he needs money. I left his dad when he was 6 months old due to fearing for our lives (turned out dad is schizophrenic too). My parents were very involved and helped take care of him. My son was raped at a daycare when he was about 3. We took him to several doctors about why his poops were so large and why his butt was loose. No answers. No one suspected abuse
…..until there was a class action against the daycare after we moved away (3 hour drive from my parents) when I remarried, he was 4, to a man who loved us all and was a great provider. My son was a handful. We did not have a diagnosis until he was 24. He told me about the rape memories at about 28.
Challenging child to raise to say the least.
Stole money from me, my parents, my car, our guns, and all his friends. Torched his dirt bike we bought him because he wanted a better one and figured “our insurance would get him another”. Arrested. Car wrecks. You name it, it happened. My dad would always bail him out. New cars (at least 16 cars). Bail. Money for rent. Cash.
Then husband passed. And son is asking how much of the life insurance would he his. Then my dad passed in 2017. Left me and my 2 sons about $800k to be split 3 ways. Each son got a paid off home.
He TRASHED IT. The county took it over, evicted him and started foreclosure for taxes. I helped him sell it before he lost it. Purchase $140k. Sold $60k. He took the money in cash. Got pulled over for DUI. found meth a pile of money. Money confiscated. $53k. Truck impounded. He was set free.
I’m so tired of worrying. He won’t let me help with staying on track with his medicine or anything else. He only contacts me for money. Now I rarely give him more than $20 through cash app.
I have been estranged from my oldest daughter for the past 17 years 😞 to this day I don’t know what I did wrong, I guess it was probably alot of things but she won’t talk to me, now my youngest daughter is choosing to block me out as well. I have lost touch with all my grandchildren! I am almost 63 and have COPD, I’m not sure I can outlive this trend.
I am a counselor dealing with numbers of parents who are estranged from adult children as I am.
The journey is excruciating. But I do feel it is essential for all involved to take ownership where due , ask forgiveness, give forgiveness to self and others and live as fully as possible while waiting to see if reconciliation might unfold.
Thank you for your work on this topic. My husband and I were estranged from both my grand children for four years, missing their young, never to get back lives, by their parents. The most hurtful experience of our lives. My husband passed from dementia and the children really never got to know of his wonderful life and spirit.
I suspected therapy from therapists who didn’t understand how their advice was destroying the family.
I hope your work will educate therapists about the destruction their short sighted advice can cause.
Again, thank you.
What does a parent do when the adult child goes NC without saying why? With no explanation? How do I get my son to talk to me?
I am interested in seeing more research findings regarding non-parental estrangement. As an adult estranged from a brother and more recently, nieces (unrelated to my brother) following deaths of my mother and sister, respectively, I’m keen in learning the rate of, and impact of non-parental estrangement.
I am 63 and went no contact with my mom 4 years ago. I have never felt as happy or “free” to be happy as I have since that break. She was like a negative anchor. The mean pall she cast over mine and my family’s life was unbearable.
My adult daughter cut off ties with me two years ago, along with her teenage daughter. I divorced when she was 11 years old, and raised my three children by myself. She is an unmarried mom. We were very close; the three of us lived in one house for four years before the estrangement, which was triggered by sudden death of her father who remarried ( with the woman whom he cheated on me) and lived in another state. I didn’t have fights with my daughter. She dropped me the bomb that she was moving out with her daughter. Then she sent me a text accusing me of being a narcissist, that all I did was to control snd manipulate, was not love, it’s toxic around me …. Whatever I said was gaslighting…… I was speechless, knowing that it’s useless to explain nor defend myself. Depression, heartbroken, hurt.
I know this horrific mental state can cause physical illness. I had one year of mental health counseling. I made myself occupied with activities to stay sane.
I would like to have a support group while I’m silently hoping for miracle to happen. I’m turning 70 next year.
I am trying to wrap my head around what I really did to my daughter in law? I have always been cordial to her. My grandkids don’t even want to get to know me that’s what hurts me the most.
Thank you for writing this article. It says exactly what I’ve been thinking. “By pathologizing the parent, adult children gain freedom from guilt, therapists become detachment brokers, and more estrangement happens.” The “good” parents are unfairly blamed and not only is the estrangement itself very painful but being automatically judged by the public is equally distressing. People are quick to judge. More needs to be done to change the narrative in the questions psychologist and psychiatrists ask. The questions themselves seem to automatically imply that “all” parents are at fault.
Going no contact or low contact is the hardest choice a person can make. I did it only after years of abuse and horrible mistreatment from dysfunctional parents. Years of therapy and struggle until I was brave enough to let go and change and stop people pleasing and take my life back . Even when a parents behave understandable because they too suffered trauma.: it is not ok when they don’t accountability or say they are sorry or try o change. The child was not to blame. However abuse is not about not getting your way or not getting everything you want…abuse is neglect and physical and emotional harm! It is make the child feel unsafe or parentified. It’s so much more! It is a cycle and unless someone breaks the cycle it continues. Find a good therapist who specializes in family dysfunction and break the cycle!
Thanks for addressing this issue. My oldest adopted dtr, 45, is estranged from my youngest adopted dtr (33) and therefore from me as well. Complicated story. It’s been difficult finding the help we are seeking. I hope these studies continue!
I went no contact because I don’t want to be associated with child abusers and their enablers. I know that of I try to talk to the rest of the family, they will insist I speak to my parents. Sorry, not sorry, I will not be around people who were so horrible, I was praying to die in my sleep as a young child. That’s unacceptable behavior.
I’m living through my family curse….and it is devastating….my siblings and I don’t speak…my Dad died suddenly 1/3/21 after living through finding out my sister was stealing his retirement and MY FAMILY FELL TF APART… family estrangement started for my Dad at 17😭 and I’m living the aftermath ….#lifeat61…. THIS affects 30 grown children and grandchildren 😢😢😢😢😢😢 Please pray for us ♥️🦋♥️
I’m living through my family curse….and it is devastating….my siblings and I don’t speak…my Dad died suddenly 1/3/21 after living through finding out my sister was stealing his retirement and MY FAMILY FELL TF APART… family estrangement started for my Dad at 17😭 and I’m living the aftermath ….#lifeat61…. THIS affects 30 grown children and grandchildren 😢😢😢😢😢😢
Yes, so sad about all the “toxic ” parents out there. Our d-i-l has written our entire family off over petty disagreements (all of which I apologized for). My own daughter has done this with her in-laws. And now m-i-l is dead of a tragic accident with no time to see or get to know the grandkids. And I know there’s was no abuse, alcohol or drug use, or mental health issues. Just written off for petty reasons. No, none of us have been perfect parents but we have LOVED our children and grandchildren. So very sad.