We would like to introduce you to Modern Ed, our new occasional columnist offering timeless etiquette for our changing world. Modern Ed welcomes your questions: news@piedmontexedra.com
Dear Modern Ed:
I just moved here with my family for a new job in the City. People have told me a great way to get to San Francisco is via the “casual carpool” but I have no idea how it works and the idea of getting in a stranger’s car terrifies me. Are there any guidelines for expected behavior?
Not Looking to Meet the Zodiac Killer
Dear Not Looking:
Modern Ed loves the casual carpool and took it to San Francisco from different locations in the East Bay for twenty years. Getting into a stranger’s car does take a leap of faith but I had fascinating conversations with people from many professions over the years as well as a few adventures (a car breaking down on the Bay Bridge, one driver being pulled over by the Highway Patrol, etc.)
In such a small town as ours, you often see people you know and get in the same cars repeatedly as time goes by. This encourages polite behavior as a reputation of a bad driver or rude passenger would spread much more quickly in our small town than at some of the larger, pickup points in the East Bay. Further, some of the nicest cars Modern Ed has ever been in were Piedmont casual carpool rides.
The rules of casual carpool etiquette are simple and straightforward. If you are a passenger, you get in the car and say “good morning.” If you are first in line, you get to choose whether you sit in the front or back seat although you may offer the choice to the passenger behind you in line. If it is a two-person car or you do not feel comfortable getting in it, simply turn to the person behind you in line and say, “you may go ahead.” Never get in a car where you are uncomfortable.
Once you have exchanged greetings, the unwritten rule is that there is no talking unless the conversation is initiated by the driver. When arriving in the City, the driver typically pulls over on Fremont Street and you exit the vehicle and say, “thank you.” That all there is to it.
Some drivers extend a courtesy by announcing their final destination as they approach the City (“I’m turning left on Howard” or “I’m crossing Market Street”) and will invite you to stay with them a few more blocks to get you closer to work.
Other expected behavior includes no eating or drinking, no carrying any large suitcases or parcels without asking first, and absolutely no phone calls unless it is an emergency.
Happy commuting and thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
Is there etiquette for driving on the freeway outside of what is legal? Specifically, when I see a lane is ending, I try to get over sooner than later but feel resentment towards drivers who pass me on the right and drive all the way up the merge point. From their standpoint, I can see where it is efficient to use more of the available space but it seems to create more of a log jam and slow everyone down. Who’s right?
Sooner or Later
Dear Sooner:
Your question on when to merge is a good one, but there is no right answer. It is the transportation equivalent of which way to hang a roll of toilet paper, rolling to the inside or outside? Well-meaning people will disagree and argue passionately that the way they were taught is the only correct method.
Because we will never get everyone to agree, Modern Ed anticipates that this lane merging confusion will persist. Therefore, the answer lies not in when to merge but how to merge. And, regardless of when you merge, Modern Ed advises doing so with courtesy.
Use your turn signals and avoid any sudden actions. If you are in one of two merging lanes that are going every other car, position your front bumper with the rear bumper of the car in the other lane you wish to merge behind. As the two lanes converge, this spacing will keep you a couple feet in front of the driver in the other lane that you wish to slide in front of. At this point, you may look over and make eye contact and give a small wave of appreciation of their understanding. If for some reason they speed up and prevent you from merging…allow them to and slide in behind them. Their gauche behavior bought them an extra ten feet but it shouldn’t ruin your day.
Stay safe out there and thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I commute on BART. The other day I was rushing to catch my train and in line behind someone whose Clipper pass didn’t work, blocking that gate. Rather than get in the back of the line for the next turnstyle, I merged into the front of the line of the gate next to mine. Was this rude to the people standing in line? Should I have gone to the back of their line?
Turnstyle Tom
Dear Turnstyle:
Commuting on public transportation offers endless scenarios for etiquette inquiries. Without rolling the tape, Modern Ed can’t see how egregious your behavior may have been. But by the fact that you are writing to an etiquette advice column, I will assume that your behavior was not that bad.
On one hand, you had innocently selected a line to stand in and waited your turn. It is not your fault that the BART equipment chose that time to fail. Yet I can also understand the perspective of the people in the second line who may not have even noticed you until you appeared at the head of their line thus delaying their commute. In that scenario, Modern Ed advises that you did the right thing by merging to the other line, but should make eye contact with the people in line (and whom you will be cutting in line) and saying, with a pronounced expression at your unfortunate luck, “I’m so sorry, do you mind if I jump in here?” If that doesn’t work and someone protests, you can fall back in line and hopefully catch a different car from that person on your train.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
I work 100% remote and have done so for the last three years. At first I worked at home. Later, I started working for a week at a time from remote locations like Tahoe or a friend’s house in Calistoga. For the last year I have traveled overseas and worked in entirely different countries and time zones. The issue: I’ve never shared my plans or my location with my boss or my co-workers. As long as I get all my work done and they don’t ask, do I need to let them know?
Don’t Ask, Won’t Tell
Dear Don’t Ask:
Remote work is one of the few positive things that came out of the pandemic. Or, I should say, the option of remote work. Modern Ed has heard from readers who do not enjoy remote work because it is lonesome, yet when they go into the office no one is there.
Solving the social and cultural isolation of remote work through international travel is an exciting possibility that works for you. Whether it works for your employer cannot be answered here as it depends on their expectations of you. Modern Ed suspects that your employer may already have some idea that you are not working from home as your Zoom appearance may change at 4 a.m. or 11 p.m. or whenever that important meeting requires your presence. And, in the chance that they do know, they may wonder why you have chosen not to tell them. If they understood you were in a remote time zone, they might even assign tasks when they go home that you can work on and have ready when they return in the morning absolving you of working all night.
You would be taking a risk if you choose to be open with your employer and they do not condone international work locations. But your track record would suggest that you have already demonstrated that the work is getting done. However, by keeping a secret something your boss and co-workers most likely already know, you are diminishing trust in important relationships which could have longer-lasting detrimental impacts on your career. Pick the right time and have the conversation.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed