We would like to introduce you to Modern Ed, our new occasional columnist offering timeless etiquette for our changing world.
Modern Ed welcomes your questions: news@piedmontexedra.com
Help for the Holidays
Dear Modern Ed:
My family and I went to the Lights Up! holiday ceremony at the Community Center in December, where I ran into a neighbor … and couldn’t recall their name. I was mortified but think I was able to get through the conversation without them knowing. What should I have done?
Socially Awkward
Dear Awkward:
The first thing you can do is give yourself a break. We have all been in a situation where someone’s name did not come to mind. Running into acquaintances out of context can sometimes knock us a few degrees off center.
How you ask someone to remind you of their name depends on how close you are. Having to ask your mother-in-law to remind you of her name may require more tact and consideration than Modern Ed can get into at this moment. Whereas a parent of one of your child’s first grade friends has little reason to be bothered by your politely asking for a reminder.
For a neighbor you barely know or rarely see, you have one minute to say, “it’s so nice to see you, would you do me a favor and please remind me your name?” Similarly, if a third friend walks up and an introduction is in order, you can say, “This is my friend Sally. Sally, this is my neighbor…oh my gosh, I just blanked on your name.” The neighbor will then offer their name to your friend. It is important at this point to look slightly pained as if you just sucked a lemon so your neighbor will pity you as opposed to being offended.
If the conversation goes on longer than a few minutes and you haven’t had a chance to ask, or no third friend magically appears, then the window of opportunity has closed and you’ll need to disguise your ignorance and recall your neighbor’s name after you get home.
You mentioned that you were at this event with your family. Some couples will help each other out in such situations by having a hand signal (e.g., an index finger silently placed on a chin) signifying for the partner to work the friend’s name into their remarks. Other secret hand signals for, “can you help get me out of this conversation?” and “I’m ready to leave when you are” can also come in handy at social gatherings around town.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
My husband and I are hosting his family for dinner for the holidays. Although I am fond of my husband’s family, our political viewpoints are very different. How do I avoid our holiday dinner going down the path of shouting match?
Concerned Daughter-in-Law
Dear Concerned:
Maintaining peaceful family relations over holidays is not an uncommon concern. The old rule to never discuss religion or politics in a social setting is a good one. These two institutions rely on faith and are immune to logic and persuasion; the more you try to convince someone the more chance you will end up offending them.
One strategy for avoiding such discussions is to say a few words before beginning your meal. “Thank you so much for coming, we are happy to see you all. With our hectic lives, we hope tonight we can avoid divisive topics and focus on our many similarities and shared interests as family and friends.”
If the above guidance doesn’t work and a heated political discussion gets underway, you can interject, “This is certainly a spirited conversation! I hope you two can continue it after dinner. For now, I’d like to hear what vacation plans everyone has for the new year.”
If the argument continues after the pre-meal warning and this admonishment, you can retreat to the kitchen to prepare dessert while making plans to pare down the invitation list next year.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed
Dear Modern Ed:
When is it appropriate to leave a party without saying goodnight to the host? Friends had us over for a cocktails; I could argue that it is rude to have enjoyed a party and not thank the host for inviting me. On the other hand, interrupting a host who is enjoying her party feels like a buzz kill.
Gone with the Wind
Dear Gone:
The appropriateness of leaving a social occasion without saying goodbye, colloquially known as an “Irish Goodbye”, or a” French Exit”, depends on the format and size of the party. Leaving a dinner party with eight people without saying goodnight would be scandalous while queuing to say goodnight to a hostess of an open house with 60 people would require the hostess to spend half of her party bidding guests farewell when she could be having fun.
Thank you for writing,
Modern Ed